You Can't Teach An Old Dog New Tricks
by borndancer
Summary: Edward, Jasper and Alice think that Emmett has been dumb for one decade too many. They decide to try to teach Emmett to be clever. Is it impossible? Will Emmett ever not be stupid?
1. Chapter 1

**Can't Teach Old Dogs New Tricks**

**Summary: ** Edward, Jasper and Alice think that Emmett has been dumb for one decade too many. They decide to try to teach Emmett to be clever. Is it impossible? Will Emmett ever not be stupid?

**Authors note:** New fic. :) Not abandoning Are We There Yet. So don't worry

Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright – XD

And just a random idea that came into my head one night at dance classes. I think about unexpected things at dancing you see. It was originally going to be one shot so if you want me to carry it on, i'll want reviews :)

Disclaimer by the Cullens. You've been warned.

Alice: So Stephenie Meyer doe..

Emmett: I wannaaaa do the disclaimmerrrrrr

Alice: Emmett you can do the disclaimer next chapter

Emmett: But I wannna do it nowwww!

Alice: Emmett do you even know what disclaimer means?

Emmett: Do I know what a disclaimer is? Alice you really are gullible sometimes

Alice: What does it mean then?

Emmett: Urmmm...

Alice: As I was saying Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of us okay

* * *

**EPOV**

It was an ordinary day really. Saturday, nothing much ever happens on a Saturday. Bella was visiting Renee for the weekend. So I was stuck playing chess with Jasper. It's not that playing chess is boring or that Jasper is boring. But.. it does get boring after about 5 games, by seeing Jasper's moves and winning. Jasper should know better than to play against me.

"Edward do me a favour don't read my mind"

"Jasper it doesn't just turn off you know and it doesn't help that you think loudly"

"Sorry"

"_**Jazzie, Edward, come quick"**_

We both turned to look at each other.

"Alice"

We both followed Alice into the dining room to see Alice with a piece of paper scribbling lots of words in lines across the paper.

"Alice what are you doing?"

"Oh I forgot I didn't tell you did I? I was thinking Bella's away for the weekend so we pretty much are bored right?"

"Right"

"And Emmett isn't the most brightest star at night is he?"

"No,love"

"So... Why don't we try to make Emmett Clever"

Emmett Clever? Yeah right.

"Alice I don't think its possible to make Emmett clever"

"Unless you'd rather go shopping"

_Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

God Jasper you think loudly.

"Alice,love, of course we will"

"Edward you want to?"

"Sure why not?"

"Well good because i'm planning out exactly how were going to make him clever, i'm writing down lots of different subjects and I'll pick who teaches them Emmett."

Alice was talking so fast, even I could only just pick up what she was saying. This was a habit with Alice when she was excited. She picked up her pen again and started scrawling over the paper again. I looked over, amazed at how long Alice must have thought about this.

_Plan: Make Emmett Clever_

_French_

_Piano_

_Algebra_

_Biology_

_Chemistry_

_Physics_

_English_

_Dance_

_Cooking_

_Sewing_

_History_

_Computers_

_Singing_

_Psychology_

"God Alice, this is going to take more than a weekend"

"Well, Bella can help if she wants too"

"How you think of these things I beyond me Alice"

"I know, but that's why you love me as a sister"

I grinned at her. Then Jasper came over and wrapped his arms around Alice.

"So love when do we start?"

"Well, Emmett gets in, in about an hour so then"

Perfect.

How I love tormenting Emmett. I can just picture Emmett singing and sewing.

**New story**

**Only short because I am going bed and I've already wrote quite a lot for my other story today. **

**And its a prologue type thing.**

**:)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Can't Teach Old Dogs New Tricks**

**Summary: ** Edward, Jasper and Alice think that Emmett has been dumb for one decade too many. They decide to try to teach Emmett to be clever. Is it impossible? Will Emmett ever not be stupid?

**Authors note:**

Sorry for lack of update on this one, also are we they yet ....i have had mock exams for the past 2 weeks. Joy. But now they have finished so I can update more. :) Also .... OME twilight comes to the UK in 2 weeks. :D

Disclaimer by the Cullens. You've been warned. Again.

Emmett: My disclaimer, my disclaimer. -**girly scream-**

Rosalie: Emmett I think that this should be **my** Disclaimer

Emmett: But....

Rosalie: No cuddles and well you know .....

Emmett: Do the disclaimer, do it, do it

Rosalie: Born dancer doesn't own jack all

* * *

**5 minutes before Emmett comes in**

APOV

5 minutes. 5 long minutes before Emmett unknowingly loses his dumbness. Well hopefully.

"Right, is everyone ready?"

I had assigned everyone different subjects to teach Emmett but before this,we had to somehow convince him to listen to us. This wouldn't be too hard as this was Emmett we were talking about. We decided on all trying to teach him French as the first thing.

**SLAM**

Everyone turned to face Emmett as he strided into the living room. His face happy, not a care in the world. That would change very soon.

"Hi Alice, Hi Edward, Hi Jasper. Woahh ..... what is _that_ in your hand, Eddie?"

Damn you Edward, did you not hear his thoughts?

"Oh this Emmett? I found this when I was looking through my old things and thought it might interest you. 'Wanna see?"

Clever Edward, I don't believe I underestimated you

I noticed Edward flash me a smirk as he led Emmett over to the dining room table with the disguised French book.

"So Edward what did you want to show me"

Emmett leaned over to look at the book that Edward was showing him, his expression turning to a confused one as he realised it was a French book.

"Edward why the hell would a German book thing interest me?"

Now's the time for me and Jazzie to step in. I nodded my head at my husband, signalling for him and me to step behind and make sure he doesn't move from his chair.

**EMPOV**

"_**No **_get off me you can't make me do this"

Edward, Alice and Jasper are making me learn things. Why or why must they make me suffer all of the time? I mean what is wrong with my IQ anyway I know how to speak french, that's what they said they are teaching me now.

"Alice what Is wrong with my french, I can speak it fine"

"Oh really Emmett speak then"

"_Hallo, __wie__geht's__dir_heute?"

...

....

...

....

....

Aha, so they are wrong for once. I knew I could speak french, they are the dumb ones really. The cheek of them making out I only have 5 brain cells. It's obvious I have about 20.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

..

...

"_Emmett_, that's German you idiot"

**A/n **

**I only just realised this, I seem to make Emmett in all my fics dumb or/and always gets picked on. Ah well XD**

**Enjoy**

**:)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Can't Teach Old Dogs New Tricks**

**Summary: ** Edward, Jasper and Alice think that Emmett has been dumb for one decade too many. They decide to try to teach Emmett to be clever. Is it impossible? Will Emmett ever not be stupid?

**Authors note:**

Thanks for reviews and stuff it's nice :) And this chapter's based on a certain episode of Friends :D

Emmett: MY DISCLAIMER NOW!!! -squee

Emmett: Now to introduce my self and then the disclaimer, i'm Emmett Cullen formallyknown...

Born dancer: GET ON WITH IT

Emmett: O.O ............................ Stephenie Meyer owns twilight, the one above doesn't kay

* * *

**EPOV**

We all knew that teaching Emmett, anything would be hard, but never this hard. We had being sitting down at the dining room table for 2 hours, waiting for things to sink into Emmett's head. But it never going in.

"_**Emmett. Repeat. After. Me"**_

Alice had taken to speaking to Emmett like a child. Which was pretty much normal really. She pronounced each syllable with care, whilst pointing to herself. Emmett just stared back.

"_Bonjour, Je m'appelle Emmett"_

"Bonsoir, Je m'bleu tou toi"

I watched as Alice let her head fall into her hands and carefully walked up the stairs to Jasper (who had given up long ago.) It was all left to me now, no doubt Alice would come rushing back down when she could try teaching Emmett something else.

"Emmett lets try each word separately okay?"

I too was speaking in separate syllables.

"_Bonjour_"

"Bonjour"

"_Je"_

"Je"

"_m'appelle"_

"m'apple"

"_m'appelle, Emmett not apple"_

"m'appelle"

" _Now, _Emmett put it together like this. Bonjour, Je m'appelle Emmett"

"Bonsoir jemie bleu soir petite froir"

Oh my. This may take a while.

"_Emmett_ do you _not_ listen at all?"

Now I was getting frustrated

"But I said it right"

"Urghhh"

Before I could suggest trying something else Alice came bounding down the stairs.

"Emmie I have a great new idea. Lets teach you something else"

"Yes yes yes yes"

God Emmett was gullible

Alice handed Emmett a pink net tutu from behind her back and a pink leotard. This would be fun.

"Just put these on then and we can start. Okay"

"Al..ice.. what is THAT?"

"It's a leotard and tutu silly"

"But.. what do I need those for"

"Emmett i'm teaching you ballet"

....

"_**WHAT?"**_

_**Sorry for shortness, writers block. Damn it. **_

_**:)  
Review and you get Edward Cookies .**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Can't Teach Old Dogs New Tricks**

**Summary: **Edward, Jasper and Alice think that Emmett has been dumb for one decade too many. They decide to try to teach Emmett to be clever. Is it impossible? Will Emmett ever not be stupid?

**Authors note:**

Happy Christnas everyone, hope you've got some fabulous twilight presents. :) I know i did haha

On a more serious note, heard about Rpattz hair ? -sigh ........ Grow back pls

* * *

**EMPOV**

"Noooo, Alice. You can't make me"

The time had come for me to take ballet lessons. That's what they think.

"I'm no way in hell wearing a skirt. Skirt's are for girls."

"Your point is Emmett?"

"There isn't a point Jasp.... oh"

Ha ha Jasper how funny you are.

I received a slap around the head from my wife as she mumbled something along the lines of 'gullible' or 'idiot' as she headed out of the house but I was rejoined with Alice, carrying 3 pieces of wood.

"Alice, you should try and keep Mr emotions here under control"

"Jazzie play nice, you know how easily wound up Emmie gets"

I rolled my eyes and headed towards the door whilst Jasper and Alice were preoccupied with each other shall we say.

I was halfway out of the house (or halfway in depending how you look at things) when another person came strolling through the door, taking me with him.

"Hi, dearest brother of mine, not thinking of escaping from Alice were you"

Oh how I loathe you sometimes Edward.

"Come on now, go get your leotard on"

"Really funny Edward, **really** funny"

He just laughed at me with that stupid crooked smile of his and pushed me towards Alice. (Who, may I add had only just come up from air from Jasper. Not that she needed it.) One day I was going to be the one to knock that stupid crooked grin from his face, all i needed to do was..."

"Emmett you are not going to, and may i quote, 'knock that stupid crooked grin from his face.' Your not going to now and your not going to ever. And please stop trying to block your thoughts, we both know that you can't last more than 2 minutes singing my little pony"

Drat

"You know Edward, i would have got away with it if it wasn't for you, you meddling vampire "

"Emmett please for the love of all that is holy, do not quote Scooby Doo into this conversation"

Well aren't you the funny one today.

I was about to say something else witty to Edward when an angry looking Alice had appeared in front of me.

"FYI EMMETT I KNEW PERFECTLY WELL WHERE AND WHAT YOU YOU WERE DOING, now are you going to get changed or am i going to have to bring your video games into this?"

I immediately took in a unneeded intake of breath as my mouth fell open.

"You wouldn't?"

"You know perfectly well i would, like last time remember?"

I shuddered at the forgotten images that suddenly flooded into my head.

"DAMN YOU ALICE FOR MAKING ME REMEMBER THAT, DAMN YOU AND YOUR PERSUASIVE WAYS, DAMN YOU WITH YOUR BLACKMAILING AND ..... DAMN YOU WITH YOUR LEOTARD AND SKIRT"

I stormed upstairs with the stupid skirt and leotard as i slammed the bathroom door shut.

"Oh Emmie its a tutu not a skirt"

"I DON'T CARE"

**APOV**

"What does Emmett see in irritable grizzlies, they have nothing on our very own irritable Emmett"

**Finito**

**:)**

**Let me know if you get the scooby doo reference i was hoping that people would but wasn't sure ha ha. And on a brighter note i got a notebook laptop for xmas which means i can update regular now :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Can't Teach Old Dogs New Tricks**

**Summary: **Edward, Jasper and Alice think that Emmett has been dumb for one decade too many. They decide to try to teach Emmett to be clever. Is it impossible? Will Emmett ever not be stupid?

**Authors note:**

I forgot to do disclaimer last time so before I forget :)

Stephenie: I own everything Twilight related ...... Done

Emmett: But I thought Borndancer owed me?

Stephenie: EMMETT .... I OWN ALL ...... SHE OWNS NOTHING, NIL, NADA, ZILCH .... k

* * *

**APOV**

How long does it take to change into a tutu and a leotard? A pretty long time in Emmett's case, I mean come on..

_Emmett was halfway through the small window in the large bathroom that no one except Bella seemed to use. His legs were hanging out of the window, on the outside of the house._

He wouldn't dare.

I dragged Edward and Jasper up the stairs as I knocked fiercely on the locked door of the bathroom.

... No response

"EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN OPEN THIS DOOR NOW"

Some rustling and words of profanities were uttered before I received a response.

"I'm not in here"

Way to go Emmett. How stupid can you get?

"Emmett you idiot, I can hear you and Edward can hear your thoughts"

...

"Alice, it's come to a point where I can't cope with hearing Emmett's thoughts any more"

"What is it this time Eddie?"

"Emmett seems to think that pretending to be a cat in his thoughts will make us think he's not in the bathroom"

"Emmett we know your in there so just open the door before I have to break it down"

"I'm not opening it, I mean MIEOW!!!!"

Oh Emmett, why must you be such an idiot?

"Alright Emmett you've asked for it. Here comes the wrath if Alice"

"Huh"

I kicked open the door, and strode into the middle of the bathroom, where Emmett was halfway through the window.

"I urm... guess I should just get the skirt on now. Yeah?"

"That would be a good idea Emmett"

**EMPOV**

Okay so it's impossible to escape from Alice. It's been proven. I slowly wiggled my legs out of the window, to get my self back in the bathroom when my legs wouldn't move any more.

"EMMETT JUST GET OUT OF THE GOD DAMN WIINDOW"

"Slight problem Alice, I'm stuck"

"Emmett you can't be stuck, your a vampire for pete's sake"

"Yeah but I'll break Esme's windows and she'll kill me"

"Emmett just get unstuck please"

"But I don't want Esme to....."

Before I could comprehend what was happening to me, a blur of black, copper and yellow had moved towards me and pushed me out of the window. As i was falling i could still hear that stupid pixie shouting at me.

"Don't worry Emmie, vampires always land on their feet"

**#~ CRASH ~#**

"Okay, maybe I was wrong"

**10 minutes and 1 costume change later**

"Bend and up, bend and up"

That stupid pixie had succeeded in getting me to do ballet. Like I had a choice with Alice.

"Emmett come on don't be a spoil sport, bend your legs"

I bent my knees quickly before i straightened them back up.

"No Emmett that's not really a bend, more of a off balanced wiggle"

Stupid, graceful, balletic, pixie.

Her face suddenly lit up again as i bent my knees more slowly.

"Well done Emmie, that is what you call a plie. Now let's do some leg lifting.

WHAT?

"Now Emmett, put your leg up on the ballet barre I've set up over there"

Her small pale hand reached out to point to a long piece of wood that had been constructed into a so called 'ballet barre.'

"Alice, there is no way in hell my leg will get that high"

"Nonsense, come on Emmie that's no way to think. Think positive"

"No"

**APOV**

"EMMETT YOUR LEG ..."

I gripped the muscular leg of Emmett's and hoisted it upwards so it was sitting neatly on top of the ballet barre.

"... WILL. GO. UP"

"OWWWWWWWWWWWW"

"You know what they say, no pain, no gain"

"But I don't wanna' gain anything"

"Now Emmett put your head to your leg ... NO BUTS"

I watched as he slowly lowered his head.

"Flipping turning into a vampire is nothing compared to this"

I giggled as I turned around to face my other brothers, much to Emmett's disgrace.

"So Eddie, Jazzie, get all that?"

"Of course love, do you really think we'd miss out on the chance of filming Emmett in a skirt and tights?"

Good one Jazzie. Oh wait Emmett's about to throw a hissie fit, better wait around a bit longer.

"ALICE"

He slowly hobbled off of the ballet barre clutching his leg.

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR VIDEO CAMERA"

He stormed upstairs into his room. Wincing and whining about the 'burn' in his leg as he went.

"Did you get that on film as well Jazzie?"

"Yup"

"Good good"

**The chapter were Emmett finally did ballet has finally been done. Enjoy and please, please, please review.**

**Please complete my poll for what subject you would like our dear old Emmett t get taught next.**

**Poll** **is on my homepage**

**:)**

**Peace out**


	6. Chapter 6

**Can't Teach Old Dogs New Tricks**

**Summary: ** Edward, Jasper and Alice think that Emmett has been dumb for one decade too many. They decide to try to teach Emmett to be clever. Is it impossible? Will Emmett ever not be stupid?

**Authors note:**

Thanks to anyone who did my poll and a gigantic Emmett sized thank you to anyone who reviewed my last chapter.

**Rahma **and **reader13lovesbooks. **I love you guys for reviewing. :) So yeah reviews make me happy.

Quick Disclaimer

I don't own anything of twilight at all except the idea of this fanfiction and the mental images of Emmett in tights and a tutu.

* * *

*** 1 week later ***

**EPOV**

Alice was still plotting ideas of what to teach Emmett next. Or should I rephrase. _Torture _Emmett with next. Bella was back from her weekend trip to see Renee and we were lying on my bed, content in each others arms. Until that annoying sister of mine had to interrupt. Bet you can't guess which one.

"Ohhhh Eddieeeeee"

Urghhhh

"Edwarrrrrrd"

I growled, annoyed at Alice for interrupting me and Bella's quiet moment. Bella looked up at me, puzzled by my outburst. But I simply mentioned Alice's name and she nodded in agreement.

_Eddieee I know you can hear me_

Oh great, now she's taken to annoying me in my thoughts. Perfect.

_Eddie-Pie I have an amazing idea_

"Please never call me that again Alice"

"Come downstairs then, so I can tell you and Belly-Welly about my amazing and fantasticly superb, Emmett-proof plan"

My angel spoke next. Breaking me out of my trance of Alice's mind.

"I guess Alice wants to torture us with something horrible doesn't she?"

"Not this time, love"

"What? You mean she's not dragging us to some fancy shopping mall or playing Bella barbie?"

"While you were away visiting Renee. We decided to try to teach Emmett how to be clever. But we haven't taught him anything else since you came back and she thinks now would be a perfect time to start again"

"Ah ... Wait. You taught Emmett how to be clever while I was away? I always miss the good things"

She sighed in disappointment as she slowly lifted herself off of my chest and began to get off the bed.

"Well lets just say Emmett wasn't exactly a duck to water with French and Ballet, more like an old boot to water"

"He sank?"

"Indubitably, yes"

"So what now?"

"By the looks of Alice's visions, sewing"

"Oh ... My"

"Exactly my thoughts, love,now lets go downstairs before Alice drags us down"

**Sorry filler chapter before proper one. I felt mean for not updating because my mum broke my new laptop after 6 days.**

**:/ new Chapter soon I promise...**

**Poll still needs attention and reviews :D**


	7. Chapter 7

**Can't Teach Old Dogs New Tricks**

**Summary: ** Edward, Jasper and Alice think that Emmett has been dumb for one decade too many. They decide to try to teach Emmett to be clever. Is it impossible? Will Emmett ever not be stupid?

**Authors note:**

Many thanks to my very random reviewers. I now know that I am not the only twilight basket case you thinks of strange and disturbing thoughts about Emmett in different situations. Like Emmett in a pioneers dress and wearing clothes that he has made himself.

Short disclaimer because I'm lazy ^^

I don't own nothing :D

{ Good standard English of course }

* * *

**APOV**

After some powerful persuading skills (not to mention emotional blackmail) Emmett agreed to let us teach him whatever we wanted. Idiot.

"Now Emmett your going to learn to sew"

"Oh great, is there a more feminine skill you can teach me that you haven't already"

I simply giggled. Thinking of the possibilities of seeing Emmett cut hair or pick out outfits.

"Okay Emmett, all you have to do is sew a little cross on each of these little squares and when your finished it makes a pretty picture"

"PRETTY PICTURE YAY"

"Okay Emmett just sew, I'll be back in 10 minutes I just need to go get something with Edward and Bella."

"okay"

I questioned myself at leaving Emmett on his own for 10 minutes. Of course I would know what happened before hand. But still Emmett with a sharp pointy object. At least he couldn't hurt himself with it, I suppose.

**EMPOV**

Hmmm, I never knew how much fun sewing really could be. Whoever sewing was for girls was an idiot. Alice still wasn't back from shopping. Whatever she was getting was definitely taking more than 10 minutes. As for my sewing I hadn't finished within 30 seconds. Alice could have at least give me some more things to do,if she knew she was going to be this long.... Then the door swung open with Alice, Edward and Bella walking through it. At last.

"HI BELLA, HI ALICE, HI EDWARD"

"Hi" they all replied in unison.

I was wondering why they hadn't asked about my sewing yet. Wasn't I ment to be the centre of attention?

"EDDIEE look at my sewing. I CAN SEW"

Edward quickly grabbed the sewing out of my hand, his eyes widening as he looked it over. Had I not done it neat enough?

**EPOV**

Can Emmett really not do **anything **right. I looked at the supposed cross stitched sewing that was lying in my hands. I passed it along to Bella as I burst out laughing at Emmett's stupidity. Slowly Bella sank to the floor, her head in her hands, quietly giggling to her self. Alice had already ran out to her car to retrieve what we had bought from shopping. No doubt she had seen this happen long ago.

"Emmett when you cross stitch, you don't cross stitch across the whole material, you sew a cross in each square you dummie"

"And what would you know about sewing Eddie, huh? Eddies a girl, Eddies a girl"

Oh my he has taken to chanting now.

"Emmett if I'm a girl for knowing some general knowledge about sewing in general then why were you thinking about how much you enjoyed sewing just 5 minutes ago"

_Crap, damn your mind reading skills Edward I mean block thoughts, block thoughts_

"That's what I thought Emmett"

"So Edward and Bella, I guess I fail this sewing thing aswell huh?"

My angel was the next to speak

"Not necessarily Emmett, Me, Edward and Alice decided to buy a sewing machine so we can teach you how to make clothes.

You know Emmett's oh my god face will never get old. Never now and never for eternity.

**Finito ...**

**Sewing machine + Emmett = Disaster?? **

**You don't need to be psychic to work that one out**

**Remember poll for what Emmett should be taught next and reviews of course**


	8. Chapter 8

**Can't Teach Old Dogs New Tricks**

**Summary: ** Edward, Jasper and Alice think that Emmett has been dumb for one decade too many. They decide to try to teach Emmett to be clever. Is it impossible? Will Emmett ever not be stupid?

**Authors note:**

Hmmm sorry for lack of update,i started concentrating on my new story 'A peaceful night at the Cullens YEAH RIGHT" but now i'm back to update this :)

* * *

**APOV**

"Thats it Emmett, that's exactly how you do it ... okay now turn it. No not the sewing machine Emmett, just the fabric"

We had done the unthinkable and gave Emmett a sewing machine. But realistically what damage could a vampire do with a sewing machine.

Emmett would be a while now so I left him too it. He couldn't harm himself so he'd be okay.

**EMPOV**

La di da di da. Sewing on this mechanical thing is so much fun. It's quite easy actually, I don't understand how humans can find this so tricky.

As Alice had left me and Bella and Edward had gone upstairs for 'alone time' pfft yeah right. I had no-one to ask what to do. And I certainly wouldn't ask for help anyway.

As I neared the final edge of the fabric I was sewing everybody came bounding down the stairs. Probably to see what a mess I had made. But this time they were wrong. I haven't made a mess of anything.

"I'M FINISHED,I'M FINISHED"

"Okay Emmett let's count how many mistakes you've made this time"

"I havn't made any thank you very much Edward"

Eddie Shmeddie, he doesn't know anything, I'll show him..

"Urghh Alice how do you take it off?"

"Just press that button there... yeah that one"

I pressed the button. And the lifted the fabric off of the sewing machine and passed it to Alice.

"See Eddie, Alice, Bella **no mistakes at all**"

"He's right Eddie, he hasn't made a single mistake"

"Haha You fail Eddie I am awesome ...... YIPPEEEE"

I stood up flailing my arms over my head. Doing my own little victory dance.

**EPOV**

How in God's name had Emmett successfully sewed a piece of fabric without one single mistake? So it really was possible for Emmett to be able to do _something _right"

I watched as Emmett stood up from the sewing machine flinging his arms above his head. I then watched in horror as what happened next. Even Alice didn't see it coming.

As Emmett stood up from his chair, the sewing machine was somehow still attached to him. The sewing machine machine flew over his head with his arms, flying into Bella before I could race over and stop the machine colliding with my fiancée's head.

"BELLA"

"Ed..ward"

I cradled Bella into my arms, rubbing her head with my cold fingers,hoping to soothe the pain for her.

"Shhh,its okay sweetheart"

"What happened?"

"Emmett hit you with a sewing machine love"

"Huh?"

"Bella its Emmett were talking about here"

"Oh"

**EMPOV**

Oh shit. Did I just knock Bella put with the sewing machine? I looked over to Bella, who was now lay in Edwards lap.

No didn't knock her out, just knocked her to the ground.

Alice was next to talk. No doubt Edward would threaten to kill me later. All in due course.

"EMMETT HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THE SEWING MACHINE STUCK TO YOU?"

"urm .."

"URGHHH let me see"

She ran over to me, insoecting the sewing machine that was still dangling from my arm"

"EMMETT YOU IDIOT, HOW THE HELL DID SEW YOUR JUMPER INTO THE SEWING MACHINE?"

"Maybe I pressed a little harder than I should"

I decided that this would be a good time to leave. I turned and headed towards the door.

Just not quick enough, as an annoyed and glaring Edward and Alice, plus a very quiet Bella, were stood blocking the door"

"I'm fucked any way you look at this arn't I"?

"That doesn't even cover it"

**Woah now that was a fun chapter to write. On the plus side this is the first ever fanfiction I've wrote as 16 years of age ^^ Sorry if I can't update, a pantomime I'm in starts tomorrow. Wish me luck hah xD**


	9. Chapter 9

**Can't Teach Old Dogs New Tricks**

**Summary: **Edward, Jasper and Alice think that Emmett has been dumb for one decade too many. They decide to try to teach Emmett to be clever. Is it impossible? Will Emmett ever not be stupid?

**Authors note:** Sorry for lack of update guys. You have been patient to wait this long. Reviews make me work harder though .... maybe lets say at least 3 reviews would motivate me to type faster :)

* * *

**EPOV**

"Guys, Emmett needs sorting out, we can't just keep letting him wreck everything that we have planned for him. We haven't got time for a concussion again. Mentioning no names"

I shot Alice evils. It wasn't Bella's fault Emmett is careless, thoughtless, stupid, idiotic .... the list could go on.

"Sorry, Alice"

"Sweetheart don't apologise, it wasn't your fault"

We sat in silence thinking about what we could do, waiting for somebody to speak.

"So what do you propose we do Alice, Bella is no way in hell getting close to Emmett with anything _like _a sewing machine"

"_Edward!!!, _I can fend for myself you know"

"Against Emmett?"

"Okay, maybe not"

Suddenly a high pitched squeal came loudly from the pixie stood in front of us.

"I know what we can do, I know what we can do"

I read her thoughts. She was having another vision.

"_Now Emmett all you have to do is follow these rules and no one will shout at and threaten you any more, okay?"_

"_Yeah fine"_

_Emmett slowly glanced down at the piece of paper that was being held in his hand._

"OH MY GOD ITS PREFECT. EDDIE, BELLA LETS GO WRITE RULES NOW"

I slowly looked at Bella, but she just shrugged. I grabbed her hand and lead her to the dining room table. Where Alice was now sitting, notepad and pen in hand, already scribbling notes onto the paper.

"Now We will all take it in turns to write a rule for Emmett"

Alice's mind really was a strange one.

"Who's going first?"  
My angels voice, spoke quietly from beside me. I grinned my so called 'crooked smile' at her and entwined our fingers together under the table.

"Me of course....I'm the urm ...shortest in size"

I simply rolled my eyes at her, paying more interest in the angel who sat next to me.

For the next hour or so, we simply took turns writing rules down for Emmett. To things he should and shouldn't do when learning how to be clever by one of us. We weren't trying to make feel dumb, well maybe we were, but it was for Bella's safety.

"Alice, were exactly is Emmett?"

"Oh, he's been out with Rosalie all day doin-..

"Whoa Alice, too much information, I meant when can we give him this list of rules?"

"He is going to come into the house in exactly 12 minutes"

Good. Not long to wait then.

- * - A Boring 12 minutes later * - * -

**EMPOV**

"Hi honey's i'm home .... Whoa"

Wait a second, normally I am not greeted by three very smiley residents of the house. Strange.

"So . . . . whats up dawgs"

"Emmett we are pleased to announce that we have rules so you can be clever again"

Alice suddenly jumped onto me, handing me a small slip of paper with writing on it.

"So I read this now"

"Yes Emmett, that's what you generally do when you see a piece of writing"

Oh how unexpected. Edward aimed sarcasm at me. Now isn't that strange.

I slowly looked down at the paper, as three eager eyes carefully watched me.

_Always follow exactly what Edward and Alice or Bella say to do. They are clever, you are dumb, so listen._

_Never pick up anything sharp. Especially when in a 10 meter radius of Bella_

_Do not think you know what you are doing. You most likely do not. Edward can hear your thoughts you know._

_Please try to remember these things. We do not want Bella being killed._

_TTFN Alice, and insignificant others_

"I AM NOT DUMB"

**I am really unhappy with this chapter but .. at least I have updated**

**Please review**

**Reviews motivate me to write quicker**

**:D**


	10. Chapter 10

Sorry, if I got your hopes up for a new chapter but this is a very vital and important author's note to this story and all my other twilight one. E.g. are we there yet and a peaceful night at the Cullen's.

I will not be able to update any of my fan fictions for 40 days. Unless I have time on a Sunday which is unlikely.

The reason.

For lent my friends said to me.

"_I bet you can't give talking about twilight and anything related to twilight up for Lent"_

"_**oh my gods I so totally can"**_

"_Okay, give twilight up for Lent. Which is 40 days by the way"_

"_**Ahh shit"**_

"_We will buy you a Edward cullen cut out or a trophy if you do"_

"_**Will it be a life size version of Edward??"**_

"_Urm … yeah sure .._

"_**OKAYYYYY **__****__**"**_

So Basically I can't live, and breathe twilight for 40 days …. Which sucks because I can't count down to the film release AND can only read fanfiction on a Sunday

-cry

The good news I get my own Edward cullen to glomp

:D

Okay

Peace out

X


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